That’s what my OBGYN wrote in my medical file this week after we discussed my having more children. She wrote it in huge letters, underlined it and read it out loud to me twice.
Then she punched me in the uterus and did a flying scissor-kick to both my ovaries.
OK, well that last part didn’t happen, but she did make it very clear to me that she thinks my baby producing days are behind me.
I have to admit, it was hard to hear. I knew it was coming, but it still hurt to see those words – Childbearing Completed – in my chart.
I’ve written before about a heart condition I have that was brought on by my first daughter’s birth. I was blessed enough to go on to have a second child, but now my cardiologist says I should thank my lucky stars and not push that luck any further.
I agree. I want to be around to raise my two daughters. At this point, trying for another baby seems selfish — and dangerous.
Rationally, that all make sense. But emotionally, it’s hard to say it’s really over. I will never be pregnant again. I will never feel a little heel jabbing under my ribs, or stay up at night to the rhythm of hiccups coming from a little person I haven’t yet met.
So right now I’m trying not to focus on those overwhelming words in my chart. Instead, I’m dreaming of the new experiences we will have as we try to adopt a child to complete our family. It may not be the 9-month experience I’m used to, but I’m sure it will have it’s own precious moments and irreplaceable memories.
And really, I’m feeling lucky to have even had the experience of bearing my two children. I’ve been blessed more than my fair share.
My chart may say my childbearing is completed, but my mothering is far from over. It will never be. That is a gift no chart, doctor or heart disease can ever take from me.
When did you know your childbearing years were over? Was it an emotional or difficult decision for you?