Fighting fair in a marriage

DTRs are not just for awkward co-eds on their third date.

My husband and I have a “Define The Relationship” style talk every so often wherein we can air complaints, talk about what we want from our marriage and generally get out in the open all those little things about your spouse that fester under your skin. We always leave the conversation feeling closer and with a few things to work on before we need to chat again.

This time, we talked about my uncontrollable and insatiable need to be right. I mean it. I HAVE to be right — about everything. And not only do I feel a compulsive need to be right, I also want everyone around me to recognize that I was correct and to applaud me for it.

It’s not an attractive quality, and it’s a recipe for disaster in a marriage. If I think I’m right, for example, I will not let an argument die until I feel properly vindicated. I will launch into battle over everything from what my daughter should eat for dinner to whether a school bus is yellow or orange. I’m serious — that’s a conversation we had last week.

My husband, on the other hand, is much more likely just to give in to avoid a conflict or to even pretend he agrees with me to get away from my questioning of “Don’t you agree. Don’t you think I’m right?”

Sometimes I even argue about who said what in an argument because I think my husband is remembering it wrong. Sitting here in a rational state, I have no idea why this matters to me. My husband jokes that we need to hire an official stenographer to follow us around so we can refer back to who said exactly what.

I think a lot of women have this need to be right. We don’t like to leave arguments unsettled and we don’t want our husbands to agree with us simply because it’s the easier path. We want our husbands to actually agree with us because we are right.

But as I talked to my husband this week, I realized that even if I am 100 percent convinced that I am in the right, who cares? Why does it matter so much to me that my husband admits that he was wrong and that I am wonderfully wise and all-knowing? It’s silly — and I’ll be working on stepping off my high horse this month.

Does one partner in your marriage always have to win or be right? Any advice on how to relinquish the need to be right and fight fair?