I know Victoria's Secret

I’ve never been a busty woman.

I got the usual teenage taunts about wearing my bra inside out, but I learned to love my body anyway. My husband insists it doesn’t matter, although I’m convinced this is a lie that husbands of flat-chested women are required to memorize before getting married.

So I relished my nursing figure. I finally understood what all the fuss was about and realized how my sweaters are actually supposed to fit.

But now, alas, I am done breastfeeding and in a cruel twist, my post-nursing breasts are not only smaller but also lack in the perky department — the one thing that made my 12-year-old-boy physique almost bearable.

I decided my ladies deserved a little extra TLC after 14 months of breastfeeding and the horror that is the nursing bra, so I spent an hour recently at Victoria’s Secret. I tried different cup sizes and fabrics, more underwire and no underwire. I went from a little padding to enough foam that I could probably stick a 6-inch nail in my chest and not even feel it.

Twelve bras and one exhausted store clerk later, I found a bra that did the job, but came to the sad realization that my breasts will never be the same. I’d give anything for the small but perky days. Now I’m just stuck with what can only be described as socks with rocks in them — not that you could tell thanks to my new Victoria’s Secret chest, which is 99 percent polyester stuffing.

What part of your post-baby body was the biggest adjustment for you?

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